Friday, June 7, 2013

We're Stars - When Metal Tried to Save the World

In 1984 the strangely named  Midge Ure and future Michael Hutchence cuckold Bob Geldof wrote a song. A charity song to aid the starving peoples of Ethiopia. That song became "Do They Know Its Christmas" by Band Aid. It became a huge hit,was a million seller and raised a fortune for it's cause.


Across the other side of the Globe, the Americans, not to be out done by anyone!! Period!! had to compose their own charity single . Calling themselves USA for Africa, " We Are The World" was birthed onto the Earth and the Yanks ability to do everything better than everybody else was never questioned again.




But a year later (1986) and a full year after the famine had ended there was another song. A song like no other.
It was a call to arms. A charity single to beat all charity singles. A song that would echo throughout the ages for all eternity. It was We're Stars by Hear'n Aid


OK. Maybe the song wasn't that great.

The song peaked at No. 26 on the UK singles charts. Raised a tidy sum for famine relief. But it's true beauty is in its junk pile  of mixed messages and misguided attempts at being something bigger than the sum of it's parts.

The song did something the other two didn't which was contain both artists from the UK and the US, creating a sort of Allied Forces of Metal in a way and not to be outdone by "USA for Africa"  boasted the inclusion of two Members of Spinal Tap (Michael McKean and Harry Shearer) as opposed to WATW's inclusion of Dan Aykroyd being token comedian of the bunch. 
(My brain does meta-referential loop de loops over the meaning of having these two included in this project. Does this then make it  the first Satirist/Target collaboration  in the history of art? Ever?)

Anyway here is the song



This is a truly magical piece of crap...

Firstly....the lyrics. There's a certain schoolish charm to metal lyrics. Mix 1 part teen angst to 5 parts Lord of the Rings and stir. If you've played Dungeons and Dragons and have a passable understanding of metaphor and simile you can write a metal song. I love this stuff. Lets have a look shall we?

DIO: Who cries for the Children? Iiiiiiiii  dooooooo.

Good start. Every good Metal song starts with a mission statement and this one's no different, although it does begin with a rhetorical question,.... which Dio is happy to answer for himself.

Dave Meniketti (Y&T):
Some time in the night
When you're feeling the cold

Ronnie James Dio:
Take a look at the sky above you 

Ok Ron and Dave I will. If its cold out I'm usually inside where its warm but if I find both those conditions are right. I'll give it a go

Rob Halford (Judas Priest):
Those are faces in the light
If the story were told

Really? I can see faces?  Because I thought it was night. Ok this is geting weird

Ronnie James Dio:
They are calling you, calling you


Really they are? Oh wait the lyrics are about to really hit their  straps

Yeah
We are magic in the night

YOU can almost hear his  hand clench into a fist on that word "nnnniighhtttt"

Kevin DuBrow (Quiet Riot):
We are shadow, we are light

Woah sounds deep, gimme another hit of that bong man.

Dave Meniketti:
We are forever you and I
  

and then Rob Halford  rides in on a flaming pink dragon with leather gauntlets and jaunty cap with  the chorus!!!

Chorus (vocal lead: Rob Halford):
We're stars
We're stars 


Ok here's where the lyrics really get serious

We can be strong
We are fire and stone


to which Paul Shortino (of Quiet Riot) adds 

And we all want to touch a rainbow

That is pure fucking Metal 101 right there. That kind of lyric is the kind etched into the desk at the back of class. With a compass. Pricked in your own blood. Or someone elses blood. You're a virgin? Even better. Because NO ONE in the history of anything has written lyrics based on the elements before NEVER!! Add pentagrams and upside down crosses to taste.

Geoff Tate (Queensryche):

OK here comes Geoff bringing it back down to earth for a second...

But singers and songs
Will never change it alone
We are calling you, calling you

Don Dokken (Dokken):
We're the beating of a heart
The beginning we're the start

Wow there's that amazing poetry we talked about

Paul Shortino:
Forever we will shine
Yeah

Chorus (vocal leads: Paul Shortino, Don Dokken, Ronnie James Dio, Geoff Tate):
We're stars
We're stars
We're stars
We're stars 

Secondly, here are the guitar solos

Guitar solos:

1st solo: Craig Goldie/Eddie Ojeda
2nd solo: Vivian Campbell/Brad Gillis
3rd solo: Neal Schon/George Lynch
4th solo: Yngwie Malmsteen/Vivian Campbell
5th solo: George Lynch/Carlos Cavazo
6th solo: Brad Gillis/Craig Goldie/Donald "Buck Dharma" Roeser

 These solos or solo is  incredible and it goes on  foooooorrrreeeever. Lasting a shit-melting, face-shredding 2 minutes and 50 seconds this thing is ginormous, a lot shorter for the radio edit but the full version (shown above) takes up over fucking 40% OF THE FUCKING SONG.

It goes for as long or longer than most pop songs.

I really can't believe it.

This 24 arm octopus with 12 egos apiece tapping and hammering with testosterone fuelled allegro quickly becomes  the biggest dick-weighing contest in the fucking history of music! They are seconds away from just  pulling their pants down and just beating each other to death with their own guitar-shaped cocks. Metal's excesses are written large in this one guitar solo; every coke-fuelled break up, every bitch fight over artistic differences, every heroin addled  acceptance speech of the genre is boiled down to its very essence in every one of these 62 bars, because it's all about ego and you can't spell Metal without  "ME"!

anyway......and the song continues

Chorus (vocal leads: Dave Meniketti, Eric Bloom, Rob Halford)
We're stars
We're stars
We're stars
We're stars



Ok we're getting the picture, you're stars, we get it

We're stars, yeah
We're stars
We are shadow, we are light
We're stars
We are magic in the night
We're stars, oh yeah
We're stars
We're stars
We are magic in the night
We're stars
We are shadow, we are light



OK yep again I see what you're saying you're all stars yep you're all bright shining stars

We're stars
We're stars
We're stars
We're the magic



OK this is where it's getting weird. Did someone forget to stop writing the song at this point?? You seem to be going over a lot of old ground here.

 We're stars
We're stars
We're the beating of a heart



We're stars
Forever we will shine



OK, I think I follow but can I just ask you? At this point? What has any of this  to do with Starving children in fucking Africa? Oh wait. I get it. (and here dear reader is where we get to the hilarious problem with this song) It really is about ego. It's trying to create a message about helping the less fortunate but it can't help but sound like an impassioned plea for acceptance. Look at us!! Top 40 made a million selling charity single and so can we!! We're going to scream until you find us relevant!!! We really are!!!

Now.... some might say the song is about the collective power of humanity, that  we all burn brightly with the power  to save the world and ourselves. We're in fact all stars burning with warmth like our own Sun, nurturing humanity.

But the problem with most stars is they eventually  implode in on themselves and become black holes sucking everything into them 

This is the celestial equivalent of disappearing up your own arse.

Anyway, I digress, lets get back to the song. Has anything changed since we were here?

We're stars
Nup. Doesn't sound like it
We're stars
Yup I heard you the first time.
We're stars
OK you've said this 26 times so far, are you feeling OK Metal? Is there something you want to talk about? You're starting to sound mighty defensive by going on like this.
We're stars 
Ok i can't talk to you when you're being like this, there's some money on the fridge for famine relief, I'm off to the Century Hotel, The Exploding White Mice are playing. It should be fun, see you round Metal. Buy.

We're Sttaaarrrrrsss!

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